Published on October 29th, 2017 | by sligoadmin


Minister Gives Bollocking to Bankers

SligoSligoNews has obtained an exclusive transcript of the conversation that occurred between the finance minister and some of Ireland’s top robbing bastards. Don’t ask how we got our hands on it, we can never tell.  But first to set the scene. In the hall outside the minister’s office stand two distinguished looking men in suits.

The minister’s door opens…

Minister:              Get the fuck in here you pair of complete and utter sad fucks. I’m going to tear new arseholes for both of you.


The men enter the room and close the door behind them. Cut to interior of the ministerial office. The men in suits take seats.


Minister :             I, I’m sorry about that lads. Optics pure optics, I just need to ensure that if anyone sees or is listening, they believe that I’ve got the whip out and I’m going to make you suffer.

1st Banker:           Not to worry of course we understand. All part of the game after all minister.

Minister:              Drink?

Bankers:              Scotch rocks.

Minister:              Not even Irish?


The bankers laugh at the suggestion. The minister pours and distributes two generous tumblers of the most expensive whisky.


Minister:              So what to do about this tracker thing?

2nd Banker:          I think we should stick to the usual tried and trusted techniques.

Minister:              I’m not sure. The people seem very angry this time. I don’t think it will go away so easily.

1st Banker:           Look minister Ah! You can sit now minister.

Minister:              Oh! Thank you, I’ve been on my feet all day, thank you.

1st Banker:           No problem.

2nd Banker:          Look we’ll offer apologies, look contrite, promise everything will be looked into.

Minister:              And properly investigated?

1st Banker:           Of course but you must appreciate that will take some time. It will delay the whole process.  And believe me, that is fine by us.

2nd Banker:          Part of the process. But first we’ll need you to back off minister.

Minister:              Of course. How long for? A couple of weeks? A month?

2nd Banker:          Six months at least.

Minister:              Six months, but the people need to be repaid.

1st Banker:           May I? The thing is minister we need to come up with some new ways to screw customers over to afford this repayment. You don’t want us to get in trouble again now do you?

Minister:              No not at all that would be bad for everyone.

1st Banker:           Of course, it’s the economy, everyone knows that.

Minister:              Ah! the good old mantra – “it’s the economy.” We’ve told them often enough.


All laugh


2nd Banker:          And to pay you back we need to be making a profit you know.

1st Banker:           That’s still a thing is it minister? You still insist on getting the money back? You couldn’t find a way of, you know, making it all go away?

Minister:              Sorry guys but my hands are tied on this one. How do you want me to play this?

1st Banker:           Lessons learned, line drawn in the sand, won’t happen again, we’ll introduce legislation, yadda yadda yadda.

2nd Banker:          Sure in six months time the public will be interested in something else like the referendum.

Minister:              And if something else comes out or it’s a lot worse than we thought?

1st Banker:           Ah! come on minister, get with the program, you bury things on a bad news day. Give us a new bollocking.

Minister:              Of course I do, only joking lads.


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